Happy Your Gray Miniature Poodle Only Barks At The Bad Moms Day!
[J comissioned a work of art for me for my birthday!]
"Moms-to-be who are uncertain about whether they want to go through with their pregnancy like to come to you because your gray miniature poodle can tell them whether they’re going to be a good mom or a bad mom by barking at them. If your dog barks, the mom-to-be is almost certain to be a bad mom.
Many of the moms-to-be who get barked at are just looking for someone to encourage them to abort, so when your poodle starts to bark you can watch the huge weight lift off of their shoulders and then they hastily make an appointment to come back for the procedure.
“I’m really quite selfish and sort of cold, but I thought maybe motherhood would soften me up,” a mom-to-be might say. “Thank God that dog let me know, I’ll be just as self-centered as I always was, even with a kid. Thanks poodle!”
Others will accept the dog’s verdict with a great deal more sadness.
“I think I can love,” they’ll sob. “I think I can nurture. But so many men have told me that when I attempt to express affection it’s like I’m trying to translate languages with a phrasebook.” Then they’ll make their appointment, but they don’t always come back.
And then there are the ones like Sally, a schoolteacher who’ll come in today just three weeks along, and will find herself on the receiving end of an onslaught of barking.
“We’ll just see about that, gray miniature poodle!” Sally will say. “I’m gonna be the best damn mom there ever was and I’m gonna come back here and make you eat those damn words. You hear me poodle? DO YOU HEAR ME POODLE?!”
Over the next couple of decades, you can look forward to Sally returning to your office every few years with her son Jacob. Every time she comes by with her son holding her hand, your poodle will again unleash a torrent of angry barking, almost as if she were a burglar. But Sally will not be deterred.
“Here’s a finger-painting Jacob made today,” she’ll say one year. She’ll show you a painting of a sunny day with the words “I Love Mom” written all over the sky.
Another year she’ll come by with a bouquet of flowers. “Jacob gave me these for Mother’s day,” she’ll say. “Thought you and that damn poodle of yours might like to see them.”
“Poor Jacob,” she’ll say another year, when she shows up with her fifteen-year old son who will be sobbing into his sweatjacket. “He broke it off with a girl today who sounded really great. But he told her that he could never love her as much as he loves his mom.”
“Sounds like you and your son really have a bond!” you’ll shout over all of the barking.
The last time you’ll see Sally, she’ll come alone. Jacob will be in prison by then. He’ll have been arrested trying to buy a pound of marijuana that he was planning to sell to his mother’s schoolchildren to get them hooked on a gateway drug. He used money he stole from his mother’s account to make the deal.
“He told the police he wanted to get back at me,” she’ll say. “Anyway, your gray miniature poodle still around?”
Your gray miniature poodle will be too old to do any barking by then. You’ll direct Sally to the chair where he sleeps.
“Looks like you were right,” Sally will say to the dog. “I didn’t turn out to be the awesome mom I thought I’d be. Should have listened to you and aborted. Anyway, a bet’s a bet.”
Sally will lay a twenty under the dog’s paw.
“I don’t remember you two making a bet,” you’ll tell Sally.
She’ll try to think back, then she’ll shrug. “I can’t remember, but I probably did. I love to gamble.”
Sally will walk out of your office. You’ll watch through the window as she gets in her car and cries. After work, you’ll use that twenty to buy your gray miniature poodle some doggy treats. He earned it!
Happy Your Gray Miniature Poodle Only Barks At The Bad Moms Day, Leah!"
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